Defined

I have kept myself at such a distance from so many people, due to fear. I have let fear get the best of me these days and to be honest, this is a HUGE thing for me to do (to open up and let others see or read my thoughts or concerns or joy).  I was once someone of confidence and courage and knew exactly what I wanted....then I met someone who changed my life in ways I never dreamed. I felt completely damaged and trapped for what felt like a long time. With that I became an introvert and I only opened up to those who made the effort to reach out to me and showed me care and concern. Sadly, I lost a lot of friends (or who I thought were my friends) and I didn't know who I was anymore or who I really even wanted to be. I started to not care.

I am ready to break free of all this and start challenging myself to be the person I used to be, only this time with experiences.  As often as I told myself that I didn't really need friends anyway, I found it to be a very lonely world, walking around with only acquaintances around me.  I hung on to my family and when my dream-come-true of a husband came along, I thought I was completely set and only needed him too!  What more could a girl want?

I was afraid of being defined by my past (divorced, abused, etc...) when in reality I was defining myself in that way.  When I was called to be in the YW program for the church I was absolutely terrified and felt completely inadequate for the position. I felt like a failure in my life and that I wasn't and could never be someone for these girls to look up to. They were being taught about eternal marriages and mine didn't last. I learned that I wasn't there for them, but for myself. I needed the simple reminder of who I was and what I was capable of. That I could learn from what I went through and could help others as they found themselves in the same position I once was.

When I hear stories of others who are faced with difficult things, I can't help but feel their pain. I cried for about a week (not constantly, but every moment I thought of them) for one of my friends and what I had learned she went through. I ached for her and wished I could just be there for her and give her a hug and let her know that she's not alone in any of it.  All I could do was reach out and hope that she believes my sincerity on her behalf.  This pain I felt for her has driven a passion in me to want to reach out and help! Help them back to finding trust, love, confidence, courage, and faith.  Help them find the strength that can only come from turning to our Savior and using his great atonement to completely heal and forgive. I had dear friends who were there for me when I needed them most and it's time for me to pay it forward.